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Humor

HUMOR, POETRY AND WIT

Poetry comes first, a dark but humorous poem:

FOLLOW YOUR TRUTH

© James Robert Deal
July 9, 2016

Ω

Follow your truth

Where ever it leads you

And do not fear

The truth you may find.

Ω

I hope there is a god above

I pray there is no devil

I hope there is a heaven

I pray there is no hell

Ω

Some may be deserving

Of punishment infernal

May they be punished

No more and no less

Ω

Some may be deserving

Of retirement in heaven

I pray I will be allowed there

To play on my guitar

Ω

Greenland will melt; Antarctica too

Storms will rage and oceans rise

Our most important cities

Will be under water attractions

Ω

A comet will fall into

Atlantic or Pacific

Coastal nukes will be flooded

Ccatch fire and burn plutonium

Ω

Once alight those nukes burn

for a hundred years or more

We will live in caves, come out in hazmat

Those not starved will be irradiated.

Ω

The sun in solar maximum

Will send us a mass ejection

Society will be returned

To somewhere around eighteen hundred

Ω

You say it’s unlikely

But it has happened before

Unlikely things which have happened before

Will eventually happen again.

Ω

Life is a tragedy, said the sage

A tragedy to those who feel.

But life is a comedy, he consoled us

To those who choose to think

Ω

I’ve thought about it often

About taking my own life

I survive by telling myself

I’ll be dead soon enough

Ω

I was sitting by her side

When my mother died at 90

Dying won’t be so bad she said

In heaven I can smoke all I want

Ω

Follow your truth, she would say

Where ever it leads you

And do not fear

The truth you may find

Ω

So I hope there is a god above

But I pray there is no devil

I hope there is a heaven

But I pray there is no hell

Ω

* There is music to go with this poem. I will post it here as soon as I can cut a good recording of it. It is mostly in a minor key and not easy to play on guitar. It is much easier to play on my keyboard, but my keyboard needs to be linked to my software, and I cannot figure out how to do the configuration. So if anyone knows how music software works, specifically Digital Performer, I would welcome the assistance.

Jimmie Deal,

James at James Robert Deal dot org

© June 17, 2016

HUMOR AND WIT

Now for something a little lighter: :

Rock, Paper, Scissors:

When you play rock, paper, scissors with God, God always wins. Also, keep your private parts covered during play.

When you play rock, paper, scissors with God, God always wins. Also, keep your private parts covered during play.

Floor Eyed:

If your eyes fell out and landed on the floor, you would be fluoride.

From Dave Berry:

A change to the tax code is that all taxpayers, living or dead, are required to provide the IRS with their nicknames, which must be written on Form 1040, Line 13, Part (b), Roman Numeral XLVII. This is part of an IRS effort to crack down on criminal activity.

In the words of Commissioner Mark “Tiny Bag Containing Exactly Two Pretzels” Everson: “Taxpayers with normal or merely stupid nicknames, such as ‘Chuck’, ‘Bitsy’, or ‘The Herbinator’ have nothing to worry about. But taxpayers with criminal-sounding nicknames such as ‘The Backhoe: ‘Joey Three Nostrils: or ‘Martha Stewart’ will be singled out by our Audit Enforcement Division for closer scrutiny and possible abduction.”

Q. What if I don’t have a nickname?

A. You must fill out form NN2038-4Q, “Request for Taxpayer Nickname:’ and the IRS will assign you a nickname from the Federal Nickname Reserve Board, known as “Freddie Nick.”

From Robbin Williams:

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Two cannibals bite into a clown and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny?”

Proof that humans were designed by engineers: they put a waste processing facility right by a recreational area.

A surgeon comes home. His wife says: “How was your day?” He says: “I had a man with problems on his left side. So I cut off his left side. Now he’s all right.”

A mother had son who ate nickles, dimes, and quarters. She took him to the doctor. The doctor says, “We’ll keep him overnight.” She calls in and asks: “How’s he doing?”  The doctor says: “No change.”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their children are nothing to look at either.

I saw this baseball and it kept getting bigger, and I wondered why. Then it hit me.

image-hitchcock-psycho-woman-screaming

Click here to watch a really funny, completely harmless prank:

Western Version of Karmic Justice: Time wounds all heels. 

The financial crisis has now hit Japan. Origami Bank folded. Sumo Bank went belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Furthermore, 500 of the staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where employees may be getting a raw deal. Only Ninja Bank remains completely in the black.

Germans ingest a lot of beer and sausage, yet they suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Japanese eat very little fat while Mexicans eat a lot, yet both suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine while Italians drink a lot of it; yet both suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. My conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It seems that what kills you is speaking English.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A FEW MORE CHUCKLES

Knock, knock. — Who’s there? — To.  — To who? — No, to whom.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m travelling light”.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took one-fiftieth of the recommended dose.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not” and promptly disappears.

image-lost-confused-unsure-unclear

Next Section

NOT FUNNY, BUT AT LEAST INTERESTING

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Winston Churchill once said that you can always count on Americans to do the right thing–after they’ve tried everything else.

“Earth is an insane asylum, to which the other planets deport their lunatics”. – Voltaire, Memnon the Philosopher.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “Goodnight , sleep tight”.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down”. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Arthur Shopenhauer: All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as self-evident.

Einstein: What is needed to correct error is a combination of intelligence and stubbornness.  After all, at first a new truth is ignored, then it’s attacked, and then “everyone knows it”.

Einstein: Nothing is greater than infinity – except for mankind’s stupidity.

Do you have humor or wit you would like to add. Enter it in the comments box below. 

And please click on this link and donate one dollar or more. 

Jimmie Deal,

James at James Robert Deal dot org

© June 17, 2016

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